This blog has moved to: http://blaackbirdsinging.wordpress.com/.
It’s time to start a new blog.
I’m looking at this blog I started in 2007. I updated it sporadically at best, and the only entries worth reading are the ones I wrote in South Africa in 2008. For the most part, the others are void of any emotion other than anger. I used to think that anger inspired me to do great things in the name of love. That kind of anger, the one I thought I needed to fight “injustice,” turned out to be the most effective poison. And to be frank, most of the posts make me feel uncomfortable.
I can remember most of what was going on during my life while writing the entries. Woven between the words are death and disease, heartbreak and co-dependency, and terrifying, paralyzing fear… To be honest, I remember feeling those things more than happiness. I gave my whole self to every person and situation that demanded it, leaving nothing for me. I was constantly feeling burnt out and used. God’s name was only brought up when I needed something to curse or blame. I don’t want to be rid of these painful memories, but I also don’t want to keep dragging them around like a dirty security blanket. The suffering of the past must serve as a reminder to see the lesson in every storm. It must trigger the urgency to break through the clouds and transcend the darkness.
I cannot help but think of how much my life has changed in the past seven years. Embracing my Creator started me on the path to spiritual maturity. This ushered in self-acceptance, which introduced me to self-love. A love for self opened my heart to being able to love and be loved by others. My worldview has been transformed by being open to seeing myself as God sees me: broken, flawed, and torn…yet heartbreakingly beautiful.
I don’t plan on being the most regular of bloggers, but I would like a place to share my ideas, experiences, and half-baked theology (and sermons!) from time to time. I’m sure anger will surface, but it’s a different than before. Rather than a bitter anger fueled by hate, this is one of righteousness. It demands justice for the victim without wanting to destroy the oppressor. Offering grace and mercy seems like a much better option nowadays.
I want to contemplate the big picture, which has been reborn for me in so many ways. I am stronger, happier, and more grounded than ever before. Learning how to set good boundaries has helped me keep my hefty bleeding heart in check. Building effective community has allowed me to achieve a new level of inner strength. Instead of thinking I need to do everything alone, I am open to sharing all parts of myself, including the failures. Being vulnerable in a healthy way allows me to support my brothers and sisters when they need it, rather than pass judgement.
My goal is to become more resilient. To focus more on the important things and what I’m being called to do in life. To worry less, pray more, and receive the blessing in it. Lord knows I’m not done yet, but I can honestly say I’m looking forward to the struggle. Maybe this little bit of web space can be a tool to help me make sense of things.
See you on the flip side. :)
